In the Spring of 2017 I met my buddy Greg Henry for a quick lunch. I was in town for a conference and wanted to catch up. He is an avid reader and told me about a book called A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman. I had no idea at the time that I would even buy the book, much less read it thoroughly. That summer I slowly trudged through the text. Friedman is an especially dense writer and sometimes I had to read sentences 3 or 4 times to even take in what he was saying. Some writers have too much to sayb but this is not true for Friedman. He just has one big idea and unpacks it in some major ways. His big idea is being free from enmeshment. If you are not familiar with the term far be it from me to educate you. But, it is perhaps a clearer way to talk about codependency. I had heard the term and was familiar with its impact on my life. But, I don’t think I ever really faced those issues until that season when I picked up his book. In hindsight I’ve wondered, “Did I make progress in battling enmeshment because I picked up Friedman’s book? Or did I pick up Friedman’s book because God was already working in my heart to free me from something that has kept my heart from His?” Who knows. But, a journey began then that continues today.
I remember when I talked to my mentor and Godfather John about enmeshment. He was familiar with it and, as always, listened to me patiently. He actually taught me some really important lessons about it from his own life. But, he also had concerns. He saw how I was applying my newfound insights. I’m sure he thought it was good for me to not be such a people pleaser. But I think he wondered if I’d over correct and go off the deep end or some version of it. We laugh today about some of those awkward conversations. For me, becoming ‘differentiated,’ as Friedman says, didn’t push me out of orbit, it reconnected me to the only One I should be revolving around: Christ. I used to wonder what the heck Jesus meant in John 15 when He told His disciples to: “Abide in Me.” I know now. Or, at least I think I’ve finally tasted what that’s like. When I’m entangled in enmeshment I’m not abiding in Christ. And as I peeled back the layers of false dependencies and tendencies I was relieved to see Christ there right in front of me…where He’s always been. It reminds me of another part of Sacred Scripture in the gospel according to John. Jesus has just preached a pretty hard sermon and scores of people that he just fed are bailing on him. Jesus turns to his disciples and asks, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” Being free from enmeshment has given me the freedom to make that proclamation more and more. My favorite oldie but goodie musician Steven Curtis Chapman sings a song that reverberates Simon Peter’s confession. The second verse says, “I may not see in front of me. But I can see for miles when I look over my shoulder. And Lord it’s clear you’ve brought me here so faithfully every step of the way. What can I do but follow you for you are the Way, the Truth, the Life. So I cry out my Lord Jesus it’s in your love for me that I find all that I need.”
As I have run to Jesus and the cross I’ve found myself encountering many others on my left and right who are doing the same and setting the example for me.