I sinned yesterday.
Sounds pretty simple and probably expected. Happens every day, right? But I can’t say that I confess my sins every day. And as I was confessing this particular sin, I realized something pretty significant. I realized that I sin a lot after I sin. And I think my sins after I sin are far more damaging and destructive. Here’s how it went down.
It was a pretty typical scene for me. I was traveling in an airport. My wife and I were packing light so that we could carry our bags on as I never like to check bags. But then as we were going through customs, of course, there was another bag check. The airport staff wanted to weigh and size our bag. I quickly put my wife’s carry on in the contraption which measured and weighed her bag. And, of course, it was 2 kg too heavy. I was only carrying a backpack that was much smaller and I appealed to the gentleman that our total weight between us was quite minimal. That didn’t really help. Shocker.
As the dramatic exchange went on, he was telling me to take stuff from her bag and stick it in my backpack and then re-weigh both bags. We went several rounds of pulling out a curling iron and blow dryer and other toiletries to transfer a couple kilos from her suitcase into my backpack. I think we weighed the bags at least six times. Ugh!?!
With each and every round my frustration grew, as did the temptation to behave poorly. I was short tempered with the man. I’m sure he could tell by my body language that I was not treating him well. Im sure he knew that I was just saying anything I needed to to get out of there. And I could tell that none of my desperate appeals were going to work. But despite all of my poor behavior we finally made it through the bag check gauntlet and entered into the next place in the airport.
I then found myself standing in the next line as my wife Shawna was laughing and putting all the stuff back from my backpack into her suitcase. I felt guilty and convicted about my behavior. I started to confess my sin and examine my conscience. First, I confessed to God. Then I confessed to my wife. Then I went back to apologize to the man. As I approached, he didn’t look too happy to see me again. But his demeanor changed as I reached out with a smile and told him that it was my fault and I knew he was simply doing his job. He was gracious and extended mercy.
So there’s my story. The end? Nope. I only wish that was true. The event of my sin and confession were over. But the story in my heart was still unfolding.
As I stood in line a flood of thoughts and emotions came over me. This was a familiar experience. I couldn’t really track everything as the flurry of impulses seemed to be bouncing around inside of me. But later I wrote down what I remembered, and what I could understand that was happening internally. These kinds of things can happen in the blink of an eye or in the beat of a heart. Here’s what I wrote down.
⁃ Self-loathing. I felt sorry for myself or I was focused on myself.
⁃ Shame. I definitely gave into shame.
⁃ Self-conscious. I literally felt like eyes were on me, even though they probably were not.
⁃ Regret. I replayed the scene in my mind of what I did and realized things I might have said or done differently if I had watched the security cam footage, knowing how embarrassing it’d be.
⁃ Embarrassment. I started thinking about how to manage perception and about what other people would think about me and how they’d be ashamed if they were with me.
⁃ Pride. I realized I was ignoring the humorous fact that I sin every day in countless ways. And when I’m focused on one sin, I’m ignoring the litany of other sins.
⁃ Control. I was trying to control the situation. I wanted to fix it, and I wanted to accept the fact that you can’t fix sin.
⁃ Entitlement. I ignored how spoiled I am and how little I deserve and if anything, how little appreciation I show for the things I take for granted.
Holy crap! Exhausting. Intense. But unfortunately, true. And for me, not rare.
This all reminds me of participating in the sacrament of reconciliation. Most people think of it as going to confession. But I think the formal name of the sacrament is quite fitting. Forgiveness is erasing a debt that sin causes. Reconciliation is restoring a person and the relationships that the sin affected. Reading my story reminds me of how my self-destructive tendencies complicate my life and relationships. And it reminds me that the sacrament of reconciliation is God’s powerful and simple way of restoring our hearts and souls. Consider this alternative plot line.
I sin. I examine my conscience with a lot of help from Sacred Scripture. I wait quietly in the church to meet with my pastor. I kneel with him and confess my sins. He gives me counsel and extends God’s mercy to me. And then he sends me to do penance.
For those who are not in fellowship with the Catholic Church, the word “penance” either creates confusion, rouses attention or worse. There’s quite a stigma around it where I’m from. So let’s first review a formal definition.
Many sins wrong our neighbor. One must do what is possible in order to repair the harm (e.g., return stolen goods, restore the reputation of someone slandered, pay compensation for injuries). Simple justice requires as much. But sin also injures and weakens the sinner himself, as well as his relationships with God and neighbor. Absolution takes away sin, but it does not remedy all the disorders sin has caused. Raised up from sin, the sinner must still recover his full spiritual health by doing something more to make amends for the sin: he must “make satisfaction for” or “expiate” his sins. This satisfaction is also called “penance.”
Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1459
For me, as an evangelical by background, penance used to seem like having to pay for my sins that Jesus already paid for. Or it seemed like trying to punish myself for things in an unnecessary way. But after seeing all the foolish things that I do that I wrote above, penance actually seems like a healthier, better, simpler practice. More often than not, my penance from priests has been a challenge to pray and to ask God for full healing and restoration from the consequences of my sin. And certainly I’ve been challenged, as Jesus Himself said, “to go and sin no more.” In the case of the man at the airport there was little I could do to “repay” him. I gave back to him the respect that he deserved. And he accepted it. He didn’t need or want me to wallow in the pool of negativity. That didn’t bring him any honor. That didn’t bring God any glory. That didn’t help anyone. That was all about me.
This, of course, reminds me of our original parents Adam and Eve. We refer to their initial, fateful choice as the fall of a man. Of course, that language is not in Scripture. I see it more as the turn of man. It was an initial action that sent us down an endless spiral. Perhaps it was originally born from pride, but shame and blame quickly followed. In one generation with Cain and Abel, jealously, hatred and murder came on the scene. Three chapters later (but actually many generations later) God assessed humanity and saw that “the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” Sin begets sin. But penance begets freedom and righteousness and blessings.
Back to my story from yesterday…after practicing penance, I was mindful of other people I interacted with. I asked them their name, gave them a smile, tried to be gracious, tried to make them laugh. Ironically, one of the first people I tried this on was fairly curt and didn’t respond to some of my light-hearted gestures. My wife, Shawna laughed saying that I had picked someone who wasn’t getting it (maybe it was the language barrier!) But it was still a good reminder for me and my heart was in a different place. That’s the gift of penance: freedom and direction to move forward. Reminds me of Jesus and the woman.
“Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say? This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her. And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
John 8:4-11 ESV
I wrote this reflection as a reminder of the daily and regular need to not only confess sins, but to practice penance. It’s a visible sign of an invisible grace. It’s not complicated like my natural tendencies. It doesn’t put me in a spiral. It sets me free to do as I’m charged at the end of mass: Go forth and glorify God with your life.
Amen!
Now, I just hope I remember this when I sin tomorrow.