Some recent experiences with friends and colleagues led me to think about the word ‘reciprocity.’ When I hear the word I initially think of debt, obligation, or a transaction. We give something. So we want something back in equal amount. Pretty simple. We receive something so we feel guilty until we give something back in equal portion. Or maybe we try to one-up people too instead of equal pay back. So, it goes…
I like to study words and terms. I use them all the time but rarely could say I know the actual definition or where the word comes from. Here’s what I found in just a brief search on the word reciprocity.
⁃ a social norm where if someone does something for you, you then feel obligated to return the favor.
⁃ In mathematics…related to another so that their product is unity.
⁃ reciprocity is a process of exchanging things with other people in order to gain a mutual benefit.
⁃ comes from the Latin word ‘reciprocat’ which means to ‘moved backwards and forwards’
This list sort of builds on each other. There’s definitely a social norm which can be driven by pressure or obligation. There’s the math which appeals to our logic. There’s an simple idea of mutual benefit vs. one person taking advantage of one another. But, my favorite is the Latin root. I like the constant moment of reciprocity. It seems when it’s happening in its purest form neither party are counting the score. They just experience the energy and feel the constant flow of back-and-forth exchange.
I have lots of friends. But, confess I have very few friendships that mark true reciprocity. I reflected on the various patterns across all of these relationships. Here’s the ones I found.
The Polite Transaction
There are so many times when we simply engage to avoid guilt or to be minimally gracious. Think about all the parties, weddings, events, even funerals you wouldn’t go to if you were really honest with yourself and others. But, the pain of offending someone is a greater evil for us than the promise of honesty and better boundaries.
We have to count the cost here. If someone’s mother brings by a dish of cous cous to me I have no problem eating that amazing cous cous, cleaning the dish and then filling it with fresh, local fruit from the market. It’s fun and the least I could do. Returning a dirty dish as I wipe the harissa from my lips saying “hey thanks” is not who I want to be.
But, other times the stakes are much higher. People ask us to join volunteer programs, organizational leadership boards, fund raising dinners, even joint vacations. I know a friend who was on his way to the beach with his family and another family they know. “Are you looking forward to it?” I asked. “No,” he said, “I hate the beach.” Huh? I probed and he admitted he didn’t have the guts to be honest or risk the opportunity for his kids. I can relate.
The Initiator and the Ghost
I have a friend who faithfully reaches out to me. We are close so he doesn’t fault me or make me feel guilty when I don’t respond. And when I finally respond (which is hit and miss) and we get together it’s genuine and fulfilling for us both (I think). But, then I fall into the same pattern and wait for him to reach out to me. I rarely if ever reach out to him. I’m not sure where I fall in line with his group of friends. But, I’m guessing I’m close to the top which makes me feel even more guilty. We are still young and have time. But, the pattern of the past several years doesn’t set a great precedent.
I’m reminded of that funny scene in Spider-Man Far From Home. Nick Fury is calling Peter Parker with an urgent mission. Peter continues to let it go to voice mail. When Nick finally catches up with him he says with exasperation, “Are you ghosting me!?!?” I’m sure that’s how many people feel when they get the voicemail (after one ring), the no response, the thumbs up emoji, or even the polite comment that seems to say “here’s a quick response so that you don’t continue the dialogue.” We are all guilty of this.
The Crisis and the Caregiver
There are times when I’ve been on the sending and receiving end of some crisis moments. It could be a rocky marriage or divorce. It could be a struggle with kids. No matter the issue one or both parties initiates for help or to help. I reached out to my brother-in-law one time to talk about my marriage and the overall health of my family. The first conversation was engaging. We swapped stories over beers and I left encouraged and stimulated by many things he shared. What followed was a series of very long conversations about me with a growing intensity and rhetoric. He talked at least 80% of the time and I cant’ recall one open, curious question he asked me. At one point he said I needed to be the ‘perfect husband’ during that season. The counsel didn’t sit well and I’m sure he could tell I was pushing back. In hindsight I found his tone and delivery condescending and patronizing. But, I didn’t have the emotional intelligence to recognize it at the time or offer balanced feedback.
Later on I realized something very simple that helped me make sense of things. It didn’t matter if I was right or he was wrong on any given point. I realized he doesn’t see me as a peer. I realized that he had never (nor would likely ever) reach out to me in the same situation. It thought simply, “Either he has a perfect marriage and life or I’m just not on the list when he’s in the same situation as me.” The answer was clear as I know he doesn’t have a perfect life. I accept this and don’t’ fault him for it. Heck, it had taken me 25 years to reach out to him. So, it’s just a reality. But, this reality helped me accept the situation and let go of some of the tension I was feeling. It wouldn’t have been natural for my soccer coach to take me out to the movies or to go play tennis. He never saw me as a peer. The dynamic was the same with my brother-in-law who’s maybe 5 years older than me. Maybe when he’s 85 and I’m 80. 🙂
The Dump Truck and the Landfill
There have been times when I’ve reached out to people or they’ve reached out to me and really needed help. One party is really open and vulnerable. The other is genuinely gracious and responsive, especially at first. What’s the rub? The simple math and imbalance of weight. It’s like being on a see saw with someone 50 pounds heavier than you. You never get to go down to the ground or get off. The weight of the other is trapping you on the see saw.
I had a friend who was trying to be so gracious to me. I was sharing and dumping at will. It felt like the right thing to do in my vulnerability. But he finally cracked and cried “Uncle!” (thank goodness for him). He told me that most every conversation was centered on me and I asked him very few questions about him. He was right and I immediately confessed. It didn’t change the relationship overnight. Patterns had set in and I don’t think it’s easy even now for him to see me as a resource. I don’t blame him.
The Giver and The Taker
I’m in some relationships, especially in a professional context where there’s opportunity for ideation and collaboration. I love both so I readily engage. I show up and throw out my latest thoughts and ideas. Sometimes people take those raw elements, make them better, iterate and then share them back with me. Sometimes they just take them, say ‘thanks,’ and use them for their next engagement.
It’s a gut check for me. Was I giving to be generous? Or was I really wanting something in return? Probably the latter? So, this leads to a conviction about setting expectations and being clearer about what I need and want. There’s nothing wrong with a mutual agreement and benefit. As Edwin Freeman shows in his book A Failure of Nerve, God designed human biology this way. Healthy human cells operate in reciprocity with each other as our various human systems work miraculously in predetermined reciprocity. But this is not true for the virus. The virus is the taker and it feeds on healthy human cells, the unwilling givers. This represents one of the simplest signs of a fallen world: consumption without reciprocity or regulation. There’s a giver and taker and despite all the virus consumes and all the body gives both eventually die. It’s not a sustainable or fulfilling relationship.
The Ping Pong Rally
All these diversions and wanderings of my life help me to clearly see the best examples and exceptions I’ve experienced. When I make the short list of ones that have worked for me a buddy comes to mind who is really good at Ping Pong. I used to think I was good at Ping Pong before I played him. He’s tried to coach me as we are playing so that I can give him at least a more interesting match. I rarely get any better even with his expert coaching as I lose my focus and wits with each crazy spin serve he can do. I think I beat him once maybe back when George W Bush was president. Not much reciprocity there. 🙂
But the situation is much different when it comes to conversations and ideas. He and I have similar backgrounds, different storylines, and ever expanding souls as we honestly explore the hardest and deepest questions of life. We swap ideas, quotes, articles, poems, etc. To be blunt, we are both in the ‘never can get a hold of him’ category as we swap texts and voicemails. But, when we do catch each other we might talk for over an hour and feel like we didn’t miss a beat.
What’s interesting is that many in our community might see us cut from different cloths. I’m labeled by my colleagues at work as a conservative, evangelical Catholic who still dresses like my dad, is pitifully naive, and can’t construct a decent meme to impress my millennial adult children. He’s likely perceived as an edgy, progressive entrepreneur who’s walked away from the church and needs daily prayer from his former evangelical friends.
We do have these distinct storylines and I’m sure have have questioned one another’s life choices at times. But, the net has not deterred the opportunity for genuine reciprocity. I don’t think either of us are looking for another casual friend to validate our every move or a tough love brother to hit us over the head with a 2×4. He runs in circles I’ve never known and vice versa. And over the course of almost 30 years, our friendship has gone in many waves and through many seasons. Maybe that’s the point. Instead forcing reciprocity perhaps we should respect its invisible and untamed force. When the chemistry is there it’s beautiful and powerful. When it’s not a lot of confusion and disappointment can result if we try to force it.
This leads me to a simple matrix I’ve used. We laugh at work in my consulting firm that most everything can be explained with a 2×2 matrix. It’s a fun exercise. It’s simple. Just draw out X and Y lines. The X axis is honestly how much I Give to a relationship or person. The Y axis is honestly how much I Get. This creates four categories with a simple path for each.
⁃ High Get, High Give: Leverage it, maximize it, don’t try to control it, enjoy it, use the energy and outcomes to bless others
⁃ High Give, Low Get: Set clear boundaries and make sure to limit how much I can give without leading to burn out or resentment
⁃ High Get, Low Give: Confess the imbalance and offer to increase the reciprocity if desired; if not offer to reduce the dependency and give the person space
⁃ Low Get, Low Give: Accept this and keep them in our prayers; keep them in mind if ever these ‘inactive’ relationships need to change into something more; there’s no harm in a temporary season ‘give’ or ‘get’. Or perhaps it might even upgrade to the final quadrant.
It’s hard to know where people fall or where I might fall with them. It would be scary to see where people plot me on their matrix. Sometimes if I get the guts I’ll remove myself from the equation and ask a friend to tell me about their best friendships (without considering me on the list). It’s healthy to just listen and understand what reciprocity looks like from their perspective. If it’s someone I want to engage it can be humbling as I wonder where I might fall.
Then I ask them to be super honest and just tell me that very thing: where would I fall on that list if added? The top, the middle, the bottom? After hearing their actual stories with different people it helps me to see the nuance. It’s not a pageant show competition. It’s about fruitful relationships that edify us and benefit families, communities, even the world.
Friendship is a beautiful thing. I’ve likely not set or seen many of the best examples in my life. But, I hope to continue to learn about reciprocity and how I can be a part of it. Like Michael Scott used to say, “I love inside jokes…love to be a part of one someday.” 😉
In it’s best form reciprocity is not about payback or paying off a debt. But it is does reveal a harsh reality sometimes. It’s not permanent state. But if it’s going to change it requires honest communication and healthy expectations. It’s not one person giving 100% It’s not two people giving 50%. It’s two people going all in with 100% and constantly multiplying that effect into something much greater than they could have imagined. As my business partners used to say… 1 + 1 = 3.
Here’s to our next experience in true, beautiful, magical reciprocity!