I could answer this question with a lot of people. But I think it’s best to not overthink the question and just give the first answer that comes into my mind and heart – John Hawkins. I met John in the fall of 1992. I was at TCU and was leading a ministry on campus. That ministry recruited local speakers from churches and other ministries to come speak to the students. I got a referral to call John, and I filled him into one of the weekly slots for the talk. We got together later that week and had a one-to-one conversation. I can’t really remember exactly how we hit it off so well and got to know each other so quickly. But our friendship and relationship definitely took off. He became a mentor to me and we dug into a lot of things.
A couple early sound bites and snapshots that come to mind. First, he recognized that I had a lot of things in my family history and past that were needing to be addressed. So he drove me to the Lifeway Christian Bookstore and bought me a book called Making Peace with Your Past, Help for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. I read most of it and really appreciated him giving it to me and understood why he gave it to me. But I still had so much to learn. Another time was when I felt like he was getting too close and I was pushing back on him. I think I was just pushing back because the level of vulnerability we had was uncomfortable to me. I could tell that he knew the true me and I think it bothered me. And so one day I essentially gave him a really, really long letter and some other stuff that I had written and essentially told him I didn’t want to have him as my mentor anymore. I left it on his doorstep and thought I’d never talk to him again.
I’ll never forget arriving back to the dorm and getting a voicemail from him. Back then we had voice message machines that had little cassette tapes in them, and you essentially just hit play. I heard him on the other end saying that he appreciated so much that I was honest with him and that I was direct with him and that he really wanted to talk with me. It was like the Bible says, “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” John’s humility was pouring hot coals on my head. I felt so convicted because I was so critical and he was so gracious. I was making things so difficult, and he was making it so difficult to be mad at him. His love was enduring and relentless. So, needless to say, he became my mentor again that day. And his unconditional love for me made our bond twice as strong.
I would go over to his house to meet with him, I met his kids, and I had dinner with his entire family. We would drive around and have all kinds of conversations. We would do things together, and it was just life-on-life. So many memories and so many interactions just like Jesus and His disciples. Until John threw me a curveball just like Jesus did to Peter and the disciples.
I found out about 18 months into our relationship that he was going to work at Duke University and live in Durham, North Carolina. I was pretty crushed. So I asked him if I could help his family move and we got a U-Haul and rode in the minivan together. I made the trip all the way out to Duke in the summer of 1994. It’s crazy to think that was over 30 years ago now. Our friendship has only grown, though it’s had many peaks and valleys along the way.
I used to call John my mentor, then I tried to learn to be his friend, and now I’m just very clear that he is my father-in-the-faith. And frankly, he is my children’s spiritual grandfather. This doesn’t diminish at all my relationship with my dad. In fact, my relationship with John has only made my relationship with my dad better. I certainly see my real dad also as a spiritual leader in my life and someone who challenges me and someone I love for my children to know. But the reality is that John came into my life at such a critical time. I know that whatever good there is in me today and whatever redeeming qualities there are about me, they likely would find some origins in those early years with John.
A lot of people talk about humility when they talk about John. He doesn’t really like people talking about it in front of him because of his humility. But, he truly is one of the most humble men that I know, and he modeled it every day. He’s not perfect, and he reminds me of that. We’ve definitely had conflict across the 30 years and he’s been very vulnerable with me and unguarded. The bottom line is that there’s a bond between us that I think is one-of-a-kind in my life.
I’m so glad to have him in my life. And I’m so regretful for the ways that I’ve not been a friend to him as much as he’s been to me. If I were to think about one of the things I’m the most proud of, it’s not any accomplishments that I’ve made. It’s not any professional success. It’s not any accolade or anything that would be on a resume. It’s not anything that you could materially touch or feel or see. It would simply be the honor of being a friend with a man like John and to know that he counts me as someone in his inner circle.
I could go on and on and on. If you talk to anyone else that knows John (and by the way, there are a ton of other men influenced by him) they would tell you so many of the same things and just illustrate it with each of their own, unique stories. John has older friendships that are older than me and people he’s known much longer. So I’m not naive to think I’m the only special person or special friend in his life. But he makes me feel like I’m really important to him. And in this I experience Gods love in the most miraculous and tangible way. This is going to sound a little weird. But the very sound of John’s voice hits me and often leads to a visceral reaction and my body, soul, mind, and spirit take in the blessing.
I really hope that my children get to know John more and more and can get to know their spiritual grandfather.