What do I believe?
God created family before any other institution…even the church. The role of fathers in the lives of theirs sons and daughters cannot be underestimated. We all need to be named, blessed, matured, and given our identity. This comes primarily (on earth) through our fathers and often God uses others as well. A great connection between fathers and sons plays a big role in how we receive God the Father and follow Him. This impact can be both positive and negative. Ideally, fathers can pass blessings on to their children and this helps pave the way for their children’s relationship with God. Even if this opportunity is missed or broken (from simple neglect all the way to painful abuse) there can be redemption and restoration. After the fall many things can come between us and God AND us and our fathers. But, even if fathers and/or sons make mistakes, they can be redeemed and experience God’s grace and the abundant life (even in cases after a parent has died or there is necessary separation due to abuse, incarceration, etc.). We can pursue our fathers even if they are not pursuing us. This honors them, pleases God, helps us grow, and fulfills his commandment. This dynamic likely exists in other family relationships (ex. mother/daughter). But, I am just focusing right now on one specitic dynamic.
Question for other men and leaders: What do you believe? What is God’s plan for Fathers and Sons?
What do I see?
I’ve seen a change in my own life… not in the condition or character or personality of my parents per se, but in the quality of my relationship with them. This has come mostly based on the work that god has done in my heart vs. major changes in their character or behavior (not implying anything negative about them…just need to focus on myself. As I work with leaders and men, I hear them tell stories of their families and their fathers that seem to be along a continuum from shame to redemption. This is not about the ‘facts’ per se or the reality of their circumstances but more in the ‘story’ and the lens through which they talk about those people in their lives. Often the messages are clear beyond the words and through body language, tone, and other indicators. I have seen many people in ministry tell many stories about their families of origin. Though I have not carefully observed, it seems that the majority are stories of past and existing brokenness. And often, any resolve or redemptive lens on the stories is missing.
Question for other men and leaders: What do you see? What messages do you hear when men tell stories about their dads?
What do I think?
There are likely some very hurtful places related to many father and son relationships.
I’m sure for many the painful experiences are unspeakable. No matter the situation, we should ask ourselves what kind of relationship we have with our fathers and if we really want a better relationship with them or not, no matter the circumstances. If we don’t truly want and pursue a healthy relationship with our fathers, it’s awkward to expect one with our sons.
If we were to swap places with our fathers, there is really no indication that we would have performed any better than they did except for the grace of God. And, how we respond to our relationship with our fathers can have a significant bearing on our sons and daughters.
We should ask ourselves if shame is playing a part and keeping us down in our relationships. The stories we tell about our parents and families are a good indicator. Regardless of the realities of our family situation, we can tell redemptive stories about our family that reveal the condition of our heart. I think there is a significant link between the quality of students’ relationships at home with their potential growth spiritually (even if parents are not bellevers).
I think in the church context we can accidentally or indirectly shame our parents or families of origin. We can also create an unnecessary dichotomy between honoring our parents and following Christ or being in ministry. While many sayings of Christ are used to justify this dichotomy, I think the overall message of the Bible (including sayings of Christ) promotes, prioritizes, and points to our family relationships.
Those in student ministry (and other ministries) can be a great catalyst to help reconcile the hearts of students to their fathers and mothers (ref. Mal 4 and Luke 1). This represents a truth that is at the very end of the Old Testament and the very beginning of the New Testament. This is exciting to me!
Question for other men and leaders: What do you think?
What do I want to do?
To honor my father and mother and have a better relationship with them.
To take initiative with my kids and pursue them, bless them, disciple them, and lead them to participate in God’s work of redemption.
To help other fathers bless and connect with their sons and daughters.
To help other sons honor and connect with their fathers and mothers.
To help other leaders and those in ministry be a catalyst to help other families in this way.
Currently youth pastors “train” parents. Instead I think parents can partner with youth pastors and encourage their peers who are parents
Question for other men and leaders: What do you want to do?